Wildlife and me aka who’s the real douch

imageWe live in the country, barely. Our house sits on thirteen acres on the edge of town, we have a fun selection of animals and birds i love to sit on the porch and watch. ( Turkey on swing set is always fun) and yes we do have a t.v. But nature is my favorite a lot of the times because if my mind wanders like it often does then im not plot lost when i come back. Omg t.v. For a.d.d. Marketing score five mins of show then cut to cat playing with roomba nine mins of show cut to otters or an ape in overalls ect.  Anyway nature i love it!Since we moved here i have  done a lot more crazy yelling throwing running into the yard in my Jammie’s then i ever thought i would. I in general am a very circle of life type of girl everything eats ya know. But there is this one raccoon who is quite frankly a dick, like come on to your porch and leave baby kitten parts douche baggary.  Ya i know nasty and sad HAPPY MONDAY!  Any way im not really a killer also i cant the stomach ordering a hit, so he comes and steals cat food and if i don’t have any cat food out he smears poo on the siding. I try to never leave any food about after dark so as not to attract him but im forget full and or lazy and it happens some times. Now living country adjacent we have cats( quite frankly they are a whole nother story)  so when i hear them screeching or see the raccoon i chase him off. Hear is a list of stuff i have thrown at the raccoon.  Pennies, a shoe , a hanger, a brick( this was right after the kitten incident) rocks , bb’s a bucket of swear words, match box car, cat dish, broom…..well you get the picture. My husband says we shot ” get rid of him” but he was here first after all.

4 thoughts on “Wildlife and me aka who’s the real douch

  1. Why don’t you get a pellet gun? They won’t kill the raccoon, but hopefully scare it away. I am thinking about getting one for my on going war with the squirrels! Damn squirrels.

  2. OK, former Iowa, right-on-the-edge-of-town-but-technically-too-far-away-from-the-mall-to-be-considered-acceptable-by-my-peers, rural girl, here. Raccoons dicks? Only if you’re lucky. Try assholes with better coats. Wiley E. Coyote only wishes.

    We had cats, too. We were serial cat owners. We brought them in each night to prevent raccoon teeth tracks across their skulls. That’s pretty much the only way to insure THAT. Plus, coyotes.

    So, here’s what worked for us. Garbage containers stored in cages/sheds. Locking the chickens up in their tightly constructed coop at night (chickens are tasty to all critters; they are like the M&Ms of the food chain). An inexpensive air pump rifle that is pumped just high enough to make the BBs really sting in that raccoon ass but not really hurt him. Live traps (then getting the wildlife management office’s permission to release them somewhere in a land far, far away). Citrus peels.

    Citrus peels also work on cats. They’re just too aromatic for anything with a nuclear-powered schnoz. You have to change them out every other day because they lose their power and then turn on you but it’s a great excuse to eat more oranges and drink homemade lemonade–you’ve already got the porch. Just lay those rinds right where the coons break and enter. Also works on badgers, squirrels, groundhogs, and moles. Does NOT work on husbands. For that, you need a chore list, it’s like Kryptonite.

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